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nobody54's Blog


To tired to care

Really don't have anything to say not been doing to good, but still getting up and moving around. Been in a lot of pain and can't get comfortable so haven't been sleeping more then an hour or so a night. I keep trying to stay positive but I'm afraid it's a losing battle, since Larry died I don't even have anyone to talk to.

No Sex, no drugs, no rock&roll

Well finally fixed my computer, kept crashing after 5 min online so should be good for a while now. Things have been a real mess and I've been fighting vertigo for the last couple of days. But you can tell you've hit the bottom when you have to sell your life insurance back to the company, because you can no longer afford to pay your bills and the money will keep a roof over your head. I'm lucky I had something left to sell, when so many others don't have anything.
My mood: very amused

Fallen

One of my best friends died last Friday, he was one of only 3 or 4 people I felt I could talk to about my feelings since losing  my mom and older sister. It's been made harder by the fact that his wife is suffering from dementia so I've lost both of them. I haven't really slept since he died, I fall asleep for an hour or two then I'm awake. I'm happy for him because he had a good full life and was ready to go, but am sad for myself. I had pretty much closed myself off from people after Cat and my mom's death. I've realized that there are things I'll never have, A woman that loves me and is committed to me a great lover or even a companion. That's what makes this hurt even worse knowing the world takes and takes but never gives anything back. People tell you things will get better which is just another lie. Where ever my friend is I hope he has found peace, I doubt I shall ever have that in my life.  

I'm in a deep rut

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Rumblings from the dungeon

Ahhhhh yes another season in hell, I have failed in so many ways. I failed by living so long much longer then I ever planned on doing. I’m old, fat and ugly and will never find love or companionship. I can’t blame anyone but myself for what and where I am, how much easier would it be to blame everyone else for my troubles. Why can I care about and love others but never love myself, what part of me is broken beyond repair. To have someone to hold and to love what a dream that would be, a lover a friend and confident.
My days are the same, today might as well be yesterday as much as tomorrow. Perhaps this is my hell endless monotony that lasts forever, I try to work on myself but some part of me screams why bother you are an unwanted loser.


Who cares

Money Continues to go out but nothing is coming in wonder how long until the last dollar is gone. I’m tired of trying to keep things together as everything is falling apart. At some point I’ll have to let go and admit I failed at life, I think I’ve done a decent job to get this far on the little money I had. But now it’s getting to the point where I lose it all, another few months and I won’t be able to pay my bills or taxes, the end isn’t coming with a bang but a little whimper.

Everything is lost

I’m at the point where I need to admit that I have no clue what life is about, I seem to go from bad to worser yet. No longer am I moving forward on a good day I hold what I have otherwise I’m going backwards falling further and further behind. I smile at people and act like everything is good, but behind the smile is the pain and sorrow of a life that was wasted. No woman holds me no one waits for me no friends await my arrival, what can I do to save myself I think it’s far to late for that. I’m not ready to die but I’m not happy anymore, I pray for help but can’t hear anything perhaps we are truly alone no God or Jesus. Maybe we come from darkness and at the end that’s where we will return I don’t know anymore. I’m so tired I don’t even want to try anymore, I would like some peace and time to not worry about the things that are driving me down. But it’s almost impossible to believe anymore, I cry for help but no one is there to hear me.


Where do you run, when there's no where.

I’m so tired of this I’m missing my mom and my older sister so much right now, I could always talk to them and they would try to help me figure stuff out. I’ve got a terrible headache and am feeling lots of anxiety and am holding off a panic attack. I feel like I want to start running and never stop, I don’t see anything ahead of me and everything behind me is dead or lost. If there is a God or Jesus or if any part of us goes on after death why can’t I feel anything from those who are gone. I’m not mad at the world or anybody in it, I’m mad at myself for things done and undone said and unsaid. I’m a failure to myself and because of that I’m a failure to everyone. I can’t even claim the title beautiful loser because I’m not, I’m just a loser. Some days I want this life over so I can try again in the next one. other days I want to hang around just to see what happens next. I’m tired and don’t really have anyone left to talk to at this point I wish I could crawl under a rock and just stay in the dark.


Sometimes you can't save yourself

I’ve looked around and found there isn’t anything holding me here or anywhere else and I feel like a piece of dust being blown by the wind. Know matter where it takes me there isn’t anything or anyone waiting for me like some discarded toy left to rot. I force myself to go outside into a world that I’m no longer a part of, a world that has moved past me and left me behind. Every morning I awake and look in the mirror to see the face I hate, people tell you things will get better but those are lies we tell others when there are no more answers to give. I don’t want this anymore this depression this inability to make myself move this sadness and fear that this is it all there is or ever will be. I am tired of trying to survive ever month on less and less soon there will be no more money to pay bills. I just want an end to this if this is as good as it gets then what’s the point if loneliness and sadness and worry are slowly stripping me down to nothing. My friends the few there were have all slipped away everyday a little further, I’m lost and can’t find my way back to myself I just pray it doesn’t last much longer, I’m tired and want to find some piece and quiet even if it’s the silence of the grave.


W.T.F

Ha ha the few friends on my friends list are slowly disappearing, kind of the story of my life here today gone tomorrow. I'm not ready to die yet but I wonder why I'm still here is it just stupid blind luck ?

 


Ha ha what a world.

Hey if this is supposed to be the best days of my life I been ripped off. When does it finally start being good and who do I talk to if I want a refund. I went to Fry’s to see about buying a new life, but all they had were lives that had been returned thrown back in the box and put back on the shelf.


When will it end

I’ve tried to keep faith but its getting harder and harder to believe things will ever change. I literally have to force myself to go outside, I don’t want to do anything but stay in on the computer or sleeping. I’ve forgotten how to have fun and my stomach problems are bad so I tend not to go anywhere very far away. People tell me things will get better but I just can’t see it myself, will they get better before or after I’m dead. I’m tired of being alone without companionship I’m tired of friends that are never there and most of all I’m tired of myself. I have to keep going even if I’m moving nowhere fast and this life feels like I’m in Hell and who can say maybe I’m dead and this is my own personal Hell. I’m sad and tired of the struggle to survive and to keep moving on, what is the point to any of this. I try to help others to feel better about themselves because I hate to see people in pain, and maybe that’s why I’m still walking this earth maybe even if I can’t save myself I can try to save someone else from feeling like I feel. I waffle between a belief in god or at least something beyond us, but I find it hard to keep my faith my mom believed and my older sister did to but if I can’t see it, feel it or hear it how can I believe in something. If there is a god maybe he loves me because I struggle so hard to try to do the right thing, maybe he loves the sinner most of all because he sees how hard we have to fight to do the right thing. I guess I'll keep going till I die.


Memories of future past

I close my eyes and the memories pour fourth. I see a junkyard that seems to stretch for miles I think it was in Arizona I was five I always wanted to go back there.

I see statues in a garden made of marble, I’m a child it’s my Uncle Tony’s house in jersey I can remember the smell of cigars and old men talking in Italian and they kiss the old mans hand.

I remember the first motorcycle I rode, I was ten and snuck out with the older guys it was a Honda 305 super hawk I remember the rush and the feeling of freedom the one thing I’ve always held onto.

I remember when I was 7 my father taught me to shoot a rifle and a pistol it was one of the few times we bonded, my dad liked motorcycles but he was more into long rides on the street me I was a dirt freak.

The sad thing was we were so much alike that we really could not understand each other; all we saw were the things that pissed us off. When my father was diagnosed with cancer we were told 6 months to a year, we got two and a half months.

I decided to rebuild my dads Suzuki T500 and did so hoping that would give him a reason to go on and to fight, but in the end death won.

For quit some time after his death I closed down shut myself off from everyone family and friends and it was like something inside me had died with him. It took years for me to realize that I was pissed at god my dad and most of all myself because I couldn’t save him.


Rumblings from the Dungeon.

My head is hurting so bad my teeth ache, my depression is in full kick my ass mode. Been trying to stay focused on other things like Dead Island, and going on SL but it's not working.
I keep waiting for things to improve but after two years nothing is any better, actually things are getting worse. In the last week I’ve talked to two people, sometimes I forget what peoples voices sound like.

I invited my sister to visit over Christmas, she is basically the last member of my family. We are very different but I hope things will be okay, since we never know how long we have I figured it would be a good thing to do.

I’m lonely I never really felt it before. I always went my own way, never wanted to be a follower never needed to be a leader. Had some great friends and did lots of dumb stuff and had fun, but most of those friends are gone and the ones left have problems of there own. I smile for the few friends that are left, I can’t let them see how bad it is because they can’t fix it.

I’m tired and its harder and harder to make myself go forward, to make myself care. I do what little I can for others and hope its enough. I hope if death gives us anything someday I’ll be allowed to rest.

These words from a poem by Robert Frost have been running round my head.

The woods are lovely, dark and deep,
But I have promises to keep,
And miles to go before I sleep,
And miles to go before I sleep.


Do you really no what lonely is.

I don’t need to worry about heaven or hell because I’m already in purgatory, everyday is the same I wake to an empty house and silence. I turn the computer on then go make a pot of coffee, I grab the phone knowing it will not ring.
I sit take my pills and drink a cup of coffee and wonder why I bothered getting out of bed, I look at the dust on everything and can’t make myself care enough to clean.
I open the door into the garage and see boxes of my sisters things sad to think that is all that is left to show she was even here, I have to turn away as my eyes begin to sting.
Some days I drive aimlessly because when I drive I have no time to think about the past or the future one of which is gone and one that my never arrive. I drive to south San Francisco past the airport where my father worked so many years ago, I go to visit the ghosts of my past. Then I’m home again alone. Back to the computer then the news finally dinner then some TV, and back onto the net second life calls so much better then this life. Finally play games until two or three am then read for an hour or so then grab a couple of hours sleep and start over again.

I will tell you a secret my friends, I have never feared death but life terrifies me all to hell.


Through the mirror darkly

I realize I’ve been trying to kill myself for the last two years, my way doesn’t involve knifes or guns or drugs or jumping or hanging. Oh no my way involves eating myself to death, in my life I’ve never had a girl friend or anyone who cared about me other then family. When I’ve tried to talk about my feelings no one wanted to hear it, now that it doesn’t matter people want to know how I feel as if they really care.

I’m angry at myself for doing this to myself and disgusted with what I look like, and sick of assholes telling me to just go on a diet and lose weight.

I’m tired of sitting in this house day after day watching the world go by, I want to join the human race again but I don’t know how to do it. I want to go to the store without hearing stupid comments from inbred morons, I want to ride a motorcycle again before I die.

 

My mood: very weird
My health: been better

Death

Today is the two year anniversary of my mom’s death and would have been her 87 birthday. I know she lived a long life, and was ready for anything that comes when we leave this life. But at the end of the day I’m still here alone.

Miss you mom.

Your son


sometimes the song is true

Riders on the storm, riders on the storm
Into this house we're born, into this world we're thrown
Like a dog without a bone, an actor out on loan
Riders on the storm 
The Doors

I'm finding it harder and harder to make myself go out of the house, nothing seems important enough to bother with. I'm consistently worrying about money, I know how close I am to being homeless. I haven't been out of this town in 5 years now, my scout has been down for two months now and I haven't fixed it due to money concerns. I hate living like this but I seem to be unable to change things. I know I need to get out and do things and see people but I kind of feel like no one wants me around right now. I don't think I can rescue myself anymore.



Sometimes a song gets it right.

On a Sunday morning sidewalk,
I'm wishing, Lord, that I was stoned.
'Cause there's something in a Sunday
That makes a body feel alone.
And there's nothing short a' dying
That's half as lonesome as the sound
Of the sleeping city sidewalk
And Sunday morning coming down. 

The point none all

Everyday the loneliness gets worse in a week three people might call me, for some reason people seem to think I will keep calling them out of desperation. But I wont if you can’t call me once and awhile why should I bother calling you. When I close my eyes it feel like my entire body is vibrating a million times a second.

I know my value to my friends, I’m the guy you call when you have nobody else to call.

I sometimes wonder what I did in that last last life for this one to suck so bad, think I’ll just stay in bed all day no one will notice or care why should I.

 

1-20 of 23 Blogs   

Previous Posts
To tired to care, posted October 16th, 2013
No Sex, no drugs, no rock&roll, posted May 21st, 2013
Fallen, posted May 5th, 2013
I'm in a deep rut, posted April 16th, 2013
Rumblings from the dungeon, posted February 3rd, 2013
Who cares, posted January 21st, 2013, 1 comment
Everything is lost, posted December 20th, 2012, 1 comment
Where do you run, when there's no where., posted October 23rd, 2012, 2 comments
Sometimes you can't save yourself, posted September 27th, 2012
W.T.F, posted August 30th, 2012
Ha ha what a world., posted August 15th, 2012
When will it end, posted July 11th, 2012
Memories of future past, posted October 18th, 2011
Rumblings from the Dungeon., posted October 11th, 2011
Do you really no what lonely is., posted September 13th, 2011
Through the mirror darkly, posted July 27th, 2011
Death, posted July 10th, 2011
sometimes the song is true, posted June 2nd, 2011
Sometimes a song gets it right., posted May 1st, 2011
The point none all, posted April 23rd, 2011
Who would notice., posted April 19th, 2011, 1 comment
One simple word, posted April 16th, 2011
I'm lost to myself, posted April 15th, 2011
Bad and good in 24 hours., posted March 29th, 2011

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